Concerning Asses
by Alpacca Joe
Summary: Daria's roommate, Tom, introduces her to his best friend from back home.


**Concerning Asses**

Daria wandered out of the large kitchen, gnawing on a cold chicken leg and carrying a bottle of beer. She was in a pair of green silk boxers and an old Bromwell tee shirt. Her hair, long and thick, was mussed, and there was a thumb print on the right lens of her glasses.

She stopped short when she saw her roommate Tom standing in the foyer with a girl Daria had seen only in pictures until now.

Her straight black hair curled around her long neck, blue eyes lidded and mesmerizing under their veil of dark lashes. Her full, smirking mouth was painted deep red and drew Daria's eye for just a moment longer than was decent. She wore an off-the -shoulder sweater, charcoal gray with black sleeves and hem, with black leggings and boots that climbed to her knees. Her legs were so long, they seemed to go for miles.

Tom turned and grinned when he saw her standing there, threw an arm around the girl's shoulders and pulled her into the room. They held coats in their hands, and seemed to have just been leaving.

"Dee!"

_Crap_, Daria groused and took a pull from her beer. Too late to escape.

Before she knew it, they were upon her. She lamented leaving her book and the safety of her bedroom to forage for edible fare, but one cannot be nourished on books and beer alone. Those hard covers really wore down on the molars, and glass bottles played hell with her digestion.

"Remember my best friend from Lawndale?" Tom beamed down at the brunette, who smirked threateningly back at him. "The one I told you all those embarrassing stories about?"

"Like how we tried to have sex on prom night, but you drank so much you couldn't get it up?"

Tom's grin froze on his face, and his friend turned to Daria with a conspiratorial wink.

"Then he barfed while he was going down on me. We stopped dating after that."

Ever so slowly, a smirk grew from the blank slate that was Daria's usual expression.

"Tom had no problem getting it up when we were in college," Daria muttered around a fresh mouthful of fowl. "Unfortunately, it was during Calculus and he was at the board solving a formula."

The blue-eyed girl grinned and held out her hand.

"Jane."

Daria threw the chicken bone at the garbage can, wiped her hand on her shirt and clasped Jane's.

"Daria."

Tom remained silent, his grin a frozen rictus beneath his glazed green eyes. The women snickered at his discomfort.

There passed a few minutes' pleasant conversation, mostly revolving around embarrassing Tom stories. He listened in mortification, trying to be happy they were getting along.

A while later, Tom checked his watch with extreme subtlety ("OH WOW," he said, waving his wrist in Jane's face. "WE MUST GO!") and ushered his friend toward the door.

"I like her," Jane commented loudly as Tom planted both hands on her back and shoved. "Why didn't you two ever get together?"

"Reservations," Tom gritted from between clenched teeth. "Reservations, Jane."

"Really? Yours or hers?"

He shoved harder.

"You two make a cute couple. I can see you two gnawing on each others' faces and rolling around like dogs in heat. Hey, maybe I should paint that."

"_Traffic!_" Tom yelled, cheeks distinctly pink. "_Nun parade! No time!_"

"I can't believe you two never at least got it on, the way you talk about her a-"

"I'm gay," Daria called, and finished her beer.

Jane had time enough to see Daria toss her empty beer bottle away and belch, lifting her shirt to scratch a smooth, pale stomach, before Tom finally got the woman outside the loft and slammed the door.

"Real subtle," Tom groused, pulling his trench coat on and frowning.

Jane grinned and shrugged into her red wool coat.

"At least now I know I've got a chance," Jane sang as she danced ahead to the elevator. "And you _did_ say she has a nice ass."

Tom rubbed his face roughly, trying to hide a smile. He walked up behind his friend and dropped his arm around her shoulder.

"She has a _great_ ass." He reached down and pinched Jane on the rear, and she jumped, laughing. "Almost as good as yours."

"I knew there was a reason I liked you."

"Pervert."

"Prude."

There was a ding as the elevator arrived, and Daria smirked as she watched then leave through the peephole. She turned her head and gazed downward, eyebrows raised.

"I _do_ have a nice ass."

She wandered back to her room, whistling, and picked a piece of popcorn out of her hair.


End file.
